She Brings Me Peace
by karjens44
Summary: When Abby's attempts to control her emotions goes horribly wrong, only Raven Reyes can pick up the pieces and get the overburdened doctor to let go and open up. (Cross posted on AO3) Trigger warning for self harm/cutting in the prologue and chapter 1 only and warning for some profanity. This is very definitely DoctorMechanic with a happy ending.
1. Chapter 1

**She Brings Me Peace**

 **Fandom: The 100**

 **Abby/Raven (Doctor Mechanic)**

 **Teen and up:**

 **DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to the CW. Just needed to borrow them.**

 **This is my very first attempt at anything 100 related . It was only a month or so ago I that I happened to turn it on and the scene playing was with Abby checking Raven's leg. I shipped them instantly and lost my heart to Abigail Griffin :-) immediately . This woman is so strong and has endured so much and almost everything she's done to help has backfired so we know there's guilt but she has nobody to go to. (I know some will say Kane but I haven't forgotten how he's treated her as well as the shocklashing, so he will never be an option for me.) The scene that got me writing my first 100 fic however was when Raven told Abby she sucked. It broke my heart and voila.**

 **I wanted to write something that had showed how much everything had taken its toll on her because it seems to be overlooked on the show. Now, if anyone reads my other stuff, this is by far my most angsty story yet, though that wasn't my intention. I promise you that nobody dies and it has a happy ending.**

 **WARNING: Very strong trigger warning for self harm/cutting in the beginning. I'm not an expert on the subject, but what I described came from what I was looking for when I did it and hopefully I have not trivialized it or minimized it for anyone else. This is only in the prologue with only mild reference throughout and there will be no further cutting.**

 **Please forgive any errors: spelling, out of character characters, time line errors. Self-beta'd.**

 **PROLOGUE**

Abby Griffin was drunk. Far drunker than she'd ever been and it wasn't nearly enough.

Nothing was enough to erase the nightmares that chased her whenever she shut her eyes. Nothing was enough to erase the torment of seeing her husband sucked out of an airlock or the horrible things her child had been forced to endure, forced to do, in order to survive. Nothing could erase the knowledge of how Abby herself had been used to force Clarke into a desperate act she knew her daughter would be haunted by for the rest of her life.

No matter how much she worked, how hard she avoided sleep or how much she drank, she couldn't escape her memories any more than she could escape her guilt. Guilt for all the people who'd died despite her efforts, or even because of them. Guilt for every death, bruise, knife wound or bullet hole that her daughter and nearly a hundred other kids have had to suffer because she couldn't prevent them from being sent to the ground as guinea pigs.

All of these things preyed on her soul and kept demanding more and more from her until she felt every bit of emotion she'd been forced to bury, fighting to come out. She could feel the sting of tears of loss and frustration in her eyes but they wouldn't come.

Unable to bear the pressure building up inside of her, she got to her feet and began to pace the thankfully empty medical bay feeling as if she was being ripped apart from the inside and with every swallow of moonshine, the pressure built up more and until she thought she would die if she couldn't release it. She stopped at a table holding surgical implements. Without much thought as to why, she picked up a scalpel. She studied it almost casually considering it's purpose and suddenly Raven Reyes face crossed her mind. She had looked so young and so scared as she lay trembling in fear on the table waiting for Abby to slice her open, knowing the pain would be excruciating. Her screams still haunted Abby's dreams and her courage continued to amaze her and it occurred to Abby that if that beautiful brave young woman could endure hours of agony so she could feel her legs again, surely Abby could manage five seconds of mild pain just to regain just a small amount of the control she needed to function.

The part of her that was always professional, always strong told her she how dangerously stupid it was but she ignored it. She mentally ran over her knowledge of anatomy and then smirked without amusement as she placed the sharp edge of the blade against her arm, high enough it wouldn't be seen and with a calculated pressure pressed through her skin. Her eyes slid shut and her head fell back as pain mixed with an almost desperate relief swept through her. She could _feel it._ Finally, she could feel. It didn't alleviate everything but it was just enough. She knew if she were to ever let go of everything inside of her, she would shatter and never recover, but the small amount of pain focused her mind just enough to stave off the fire and regain control of herself. A sigh of relief escaped her and she embraced the pain for a brief moment before she poured moonshine over the wound and then bandaged it. Finally her emotions had settled back into a nearly calm dormancy even as she knew they would soon rise again. At least now she had a way to control it.

 **CHAPTER 1**

"Fix yourself Abby. If you weren't so busy being Chancellor and Doctor to avoid your own pain, you'd realize you suck at both jobs."

Everything in Abby froze as she watched Raven walk away. She had gotten to know the mechanic enough to know the way she turned to sarcasm when her pride was threatened, but she had never been deliberately hurtful. Not to her. No that wasn't true. Raven had once taken pleasure in reminding Abby that she had sent her daughter to the ground to die. Almost immediately, every failure replayed itself, gnawing at the restraints of her self-control but if nothing else, she was patient. She could wait. She would return to her quarters and 'fix herself' as soon as she finished helping her patients. She was a good doctor despite what Raven thought. At least she used to be.

"Raven, thanks for coming by." Jackson said.

"Another bad pressure valve?" Raven retorted sarcastically. "Or did Abby order you to try and nag me into a surgery I've repeatedly said I don't want."

"Sit down," he said sharply.

Raven's eyebrows lifted, surprised that the always soft-spoken doctor even knew how to be irritated but she did as he said.

"What is your problem?" He asked angrily.

"What are you talking about?" Raven asked, her own anger starting to grow.

"I heard what you said to Abby earlier along with everyone else within earshot and I want to know why you think it's okay to hurt the one person in this hell hole who doesn't deserve it. Especially from you."

Instantly, shame filled Raven as she remembered what she'd said to Abby.. Abby who'd always treated her with respect and like she was more than just a kid with a screwdriver; Abby, who was the one person Raven could just look at and everything wrong in the universe was suddenly right, who cared for her without making her feel useless, who made her knees weak with just a smile.

"I didn't mean it," she whispered. She had seen the pain in Abby's eyes as she spewed those deliberately hurtful lies and she hated herself with every word that left her mouth but she hadn't been able to stop herself.

"Really? How do you not 'mean' to hurt, a woman who already has so many burdens that she rarely sleeps and is wound so tight I sometimes think a strong wind will snap her in half, by telling her she sucks at the only thing she has keeping her together?"

Raven's eyes slid shut. She'd noticed the circles under Abby's pretty eyes and the drawn expression on her face but she'd been so caught up in dealing with her own baggage she hadn't seen it as anything other than the tiredness they all felt.

"I didn't know," she whispered.

"No. Because you didn't want to know," he said. "I know you've suffered a lot Raven as have Clarke and the others that were sent down here and it isn't fair that you've all had to do things, see things that kids your age shouldn't have to. It isn't fair that you've lost people you loved, that you were tortured and have to wear that brace, but it hasn't been easy for us either, especially Abby. She's suffered her share of physical injuries but you have no idea how much guilt she carries around and has for months. She won't ever say anything but I've known her for years. Every death, every problem she can't solve, every pain she can't heal she takes on herself, she always has and what happened with Jake and now with Clarke...not to mention having the responsibility of protecting all of us, well she's about one crisis away from a meltdown and then you kick her when she's down."

"Why would she blame herself for her husband?" Raven asked reluctantly. She'd heard the rumors but nobody knew the whole story and Raven learned long ago not to believe everything she heard.

"What do you know about what happened to him?"

"Just that she turned them in for treason which I'm pretty sure is bullshit. So what's the story?"

Jackson smiled, seeing just what it is that had drawn Abby to her. It wasn't his story to tell, but of everyone, he thought Raven should know. "Well in a way it's not far from the truth but there's so much more to it. Jake was about to tell everyone on the Ark we were going to run out of oxygen. He felt everyone had the right to know and Clarke agreed. Abby fought against it because she knew it would cause a massive panic if not riots when everyone learned we were all going to suffocate to death in a matter of months with no way to prevent it. When he refused to listen, she went to to the Chancellor because he and Jake had been friends for years. She believed Jake's old friend could make him understand why they couldn't tell the public about the oxygen. Jaha betrayed them both. He and Kane had Jake floated and then arrested Clarke to keep her quiet. She and Clarke both watched it happen and now Abby blames herself for his death and Clarke being sent to the ground to die."

"Christ," she breathed, every word like a stab to Raven's chest. Abby Griffin was hard to read on a good day and rarely showed her feelings, but deep inside Raven knew how stressed she'd been from the moment they first met. She knew, probably better than anyone, how fragile Abby's facade of strength was, but lost in her own self pity she hadn't let herself see it and she couldn't even to begin to imagine how badly Abby hurt knowing what happened to her husband.

"I think that's why she didn't fight harder against the shock-lash," Jackson continued. "I think she believed she deserved it."

"Shock-lash?" she whispered, not sure she wanted to know what he meant.

Jackson was surprised by that. "You didn't know? Everyone here knew and was outside watching it. How could you not have heard her screams?"

"When?" Raven choked and suddenly she remembered. She had been in her quarters brooding about her leg and had heard muted screams coming from outside but hadn't cared enough to see what it was about.

"It happened the day after Bellamy and Finn escaped to find Clarke. She was charged with helping them and giving them guns," Jackson told her.

"Oh fuck no," Raven muttered. If she had bothered to get off her ass she she could have stopped it. "She had nothing to do with that." She now had a face to go with the screams and the image of Abby, her fierce, proud Abby being tied and tortured made her want to throw up.

"She still armed them Raven so Kane really didn't have a choice," Jackson said, watching Raven's reaction, even as he once again wondered why Abby had been the only one to pay when it was obvious she hadn't acted alone.

"I hate that fucking bastard," Raven seethed.

"It's easy for you to say that, but being in charge isn't easy. I sure as hell wouldn't want to do it. There are always decisions to make that nobody should ever have to make. Decisions that are designed to protect everyone but where ultimately someone is going to suffer. Do you think it's been easy for Abby trying to balance doing what's right as a doctor, a friend, a mother and the Chancellor? Those things rarely coincide on a good day but somehow she has to make life or death decisions that fit all of them, all the while having people questioning her at every turn, telling her how bad she is at it and unable to show anyone how much she's hurting. Hell she has risked more than any of us know just raiding the mountain to get the supplies we need, but she does it anyway and I'm pretty sure she keeps doing it just to find a way to help you."

Raven's gut twisted at that. Octavia and Lincoln had told Raven how the grounders were growing angry with their constant raids of the mountain but Abby kept doing it. Raven couldn't allow herself to believe that was for her. She wasn't worth having Abby risking so much. She swiped at a tear that had slid down her cheek as she pictured Abby's face the last time she saw her.

"She could have come talk to me," she whispered. "We're friends." _No, not friends. Abby means so much more to me than that._

"It's too bad Abby doesn't know that. Especially now."

Raven was about to say something when the door flew open and Marcus Kane ran in with Abby in his arms.

"Jackson, help her," he ordered shakily.

Raven's heart stopped as she saw Abby and the blood stained shirt. "What happened?" She cried rushing to the table that Kane placed her on.

"I don't know. We were supposed to have a meeting and she was late so I went to her quarters. When she didn't respond I got worried and went in and found her."

Raven instantly wanted to call him a liar. Abby's shirt was covered in blood and Kane was a lying piece of shit that hated the way Abby defied him. Hell, he had her publicly whipped for going against him so her first thought was that he had stabbed her. Then Jackson gently cut away her shirt and she swallowed a gasp. There was so much blood.

"Oh God, Abby." Raven reached out to touch a cheek that was far too pale. "Abby please wake up," she pleaded. She'd often wondered what Abby Griffin looked like sleeping, if the worry in her face finally disappeared for a while, but she had never wanted to see it this way.

"Raven, you and Kane need to step back," Jackson ordered as he and one of the other doctors Raven didn't really know rushed over with supplies. They gently removed Abby's torn shirt and began to work.

"Raven, you shouldn't be here," Marcus said gently, pulling her away from Jackson.

"Yes I should," Raven snapped, yanking her arm out of his hand. "Abby needs me." _She needs me and I'm not going to let her down again._

"I'll stay with her," Marcus assured her and I'll come get you as soon as..."

"I'm not leaving...sir," she spat, not caring if she got thrown in a cell.

Marcus was going to order her gone but then he looked into Raven's face, a young face that was more often not filled with anger and sarcasm. He was startled by the tears in her eyes but it was the fear he saw, fear that clearly said Raven was worried about someone far more important to her than a friend that stopped him. _Oh boy._

"Alright Raven," he relented, not sure of what to make of his sudden discovery or the twinge of jealousy he felt.

"This isn't right," Jackson muttered as he worked.

"What?" Raven and Marcus demanded in unison, stepping beside Jackson.

"She...please Jackson tell me she's going to be okay?" Raven begged.

"Please, both of you step out of the way." Jackson ordered as he worked to stop the bleeding and repair the damage.

Marcus leaned back against the far wall watching Raven pacing frantically if a little awkwardly due to her brace. He briefly wondered if he should say something but considering her infamous temper, he decided to stay quiet.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Jackson removed the surgical gloves they now had thanks to the woman lying unconscious on the table and turned to face them.

"She's going to be fine," he assured both Kane and Raven, but his eyes were on Raven who looked so lost and sad it erased any lingering anger he had toward her.

"How soon before she wakes up?" Marcus asked anxiously.

"I can't be sure, but I'll let you know when she does," Jackson said pointedly.

"Oh. Well, I should go change. Raven?"

"Actually Raven, can you stay for a minute?"

Marcus frowned. He knew Jackson had discovered something about Abby's injury and he should be the one the doctor told.

"Jackson, if there's something wrong I should be the one..."

"No sir," Jackson interrupted. "This isn't about Abby."

Raven knew a lie when she heard one but she also knew when to keep her mouth shut, even though she wanted to demand what right Kane had to know anything about Abby considering what he'd done to her.

"Alright. Just let me know when she's awake." Marcus sighed and left medical.

Raven pushed past Jackson and was by Abby's side in a heartbeat. She placed a trembling hand on Abby's cheek, her thumb brushing the place by her lips where those mesmerizing creases normally appeared when she smiled. Raven would give anything to see them right now.

"I am so sorry for what I said Abby," she whispered desperately. "I swear that I didn't mean it and when you wake up, I'll do whatever it takes to prove that to you. In the meantime I'm going to find out who did this to you and make them wish we still floated people," she swore softly, willing the beautiful eyes to open and stroking her soft hair the way Abby had done for her so many times.

"That won't be necessary," Jackson said seriously.

"Maybe not but it's going to happen" Raven said angrily.

"Raven, this is information I should only be giving to Clarke but she's not here and you're almost like another daughter to Abby..."

"The hell I fucking am," Raven nearly shouted, refusing to have anyone see her relationship with Abby as anything close to maternal because she in no way saw Abby as a mother. Not even close.

"Sorry," Jackson hid a smile having got the final confirmation that he needed. "What I meant was that it's obvious to me that you're really the only person Abby completely trusts outside of Clarke. And the truth is, nobody did this to Abby. She did it herself."

"What?"

"Look," Jackson pointed and finally Raven let her eyes drift down Abby's body and her breath caught. The sight of the white bandage already streaked with blood struck Raven but it was the lines above and to the side of the bandage that nearly had her good leg giving out.

"What are those?" she whispered, even though she had a pretty good idea and she was horrified.

"Abby's been hurting herself and apparently has been for some time," Jackson gently turned Abby's bare arm over, revealing more faint lines.

"Oh Jesus Abby," Raven swallowed, turning back to look at the still unconscious woman. "Why would you do this?"

"I read about this when I was studying for my exams. Sometimes people hurt themselves when their emotions get to be too much and they're desperate to gain control. Some do it because they want to feel something, even pain. It could be anything but usually it happens with kids. From what I can see this is pretty new for Abby."

"So she...she stabbed herself? Please tell me she wasn't trying to kill herself," Raven pleaded.

"No, I don't think she was," Jackson replied soberly. "Abby is a brilliant surgeon and knows how to cut and where to cut in order to do the least amount of harm. My guess is she was drinking again and something happened and she...miscalculated."

"What...are you sure?"

"Not completely no, which is why I won't say anything to Kane or anyone else. I don't know what he'll do if he decides Abby's 'unfit', and she doesn't deserve to have her career destroyed because she's trying to cope with things the only way she knows how."

"Then why are you trusting me with this?" Raven asked as she lifted Abby's limp hand, her heart breaking for this strong proud woman.

"Because despite what I heard you say to her before, it's clear to me how important she is to you and how important you are to her. She doesn't have anyone else Raven."

"I did this to her," Raven straightened and looked down at Abby with growing despair. "Those things I said to her...Oh my god," her hand flew to her mouth and she wasn't sure if it was to hold back the scream she felt in her throat or to keep from throwing up in self-hatred.

"Raven stop," Jackson ordered, knowing Raven could easily work herself into a breakdown and Abby didn't need that.

"What you said, no it probably didn't help anything," Jackson said honestly, still angry on Abby's behalf, "but some of her scars have been there for weeks. You didn't cause this, but I think you're the only one who can help her now."

"How? She won't want to talk to me after what I said."

"Probably not, but you're pushy Reyes. I'm sure you'll make her," he smiled.

Raven doubted it but she didn't argue. Not when there was a bigger concern. "You know Kane is going to want to know what happened and he won't stop until he finds the truth."

"That's why I'm counting on you to get to Abby's quarters and find something we can use to convince him it was an accident."

"I can't leave her," she protested.

"You need to do this Raven, for her. She'll be asleep for a while and I'll take care of her."

Raven looked at Abby then down to the bandage covering her stomach and she swallowed. She slowly reached out a finger to trace one of the light scars she could see.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'll make this right Abby," she swore. She looked back to Jackson. "Take care of her."

Jackson nodded and with one finally look at Abby, Raven left before she changed her mind.

 **TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Raven was proud of herself for holding it together as she headed to Abby's quarters, trying to think about anything except the reason she was going there. She stopped as she found the door open and Marcus Kane looking through her things.

"What are you doing here?" She demanded.

Marcus jumped at the unexpected and very angry voice. "Raven," he greeted, turning away from the papers on Abby's desk. He was tempted to remind her that he didn't answer to a mere mechanic but considering he was no longer Chancellor he supposed he didn't have the right to say so. "I'm just trying to find out who attacked Abby."

"Maybe you should wait until she's awake so she can tell you who did it, instead of going through her stuff without her consent."

Marcus clenched his jaw. "You don't run things here Raven," he finally reminded her.

"Neither do you." Raven retorted. "Look, Jackson asked me to come here and clean up..." her eyes fell on the bloodstain on the floor and she swallowed, trying not to picture brave, beautiful Abby laying there all alone. She wouldn't let this man stop her from protecting Abby.

Marcus sighed as he saw the despair on Raven's face and while he wasn't sure he liked it, he couldn't deny there was a bond between Abby and Raven that he would never understand and never share with the doctor. "Okay Raven. I'll leave you to it." He left Abby's quarters, wondering how, even with everything going on, he had failed to see their go-to mechanic was in love with their chief surgeon and current Chancellor.

Raven followed Kane to the door, closing it behind him. She slowly turned around and walked into the room, smiling slightly at the organized mess that was so perfectly Abby before her eyes fell on the spot where Abby nearly….her legs gave out and she collapsed on the bed, hand over her mouth to hold back her cries as image after image of Abby Griffin filled her mind. Abby, who always looked so strong and stoic no matter the crisis, who could be a truly spectacular badass when she was in protective mode and so gentle when she was in doctor mode. Abby, who let only Raven see her hurting when she was missing her daughter and who Raven had hurt so cruelly for no reason except pride and had still called Raven friend. And Abby, who was laying unconscious in medical with knife wounds on her body because she she couldn't handle her pain anymore.

Raven wiped away her tears and got to her feet. There wasn't time for her to wallow in her own regrets. She had put her own feelings first too many times which is why the best person she'd ever known had nearly bled to death alone in her own quarters. She needed to clean up the blood so Abby wouldn't have to relive whatever drove her to do what she did. She had to show Abby how sorry she was and how wrong she had been. She had to show her that there was someone here who cared for her, just the way she was and was strong enough to lean on when Abby's struggles became too much for her to carry alone.

After an hour, Raven was forced to accept that no matter how hard she scrubbed the blood wouldn't come completely out. Ignoring the shooting pain down her leg, she finally gave up and struggled to her feet. She would find another way but in the meantime she looked around the room for anything she could find that they could tell Kane caused Abby's injuries. After a while she finally found it. There was a piece of metal jutting from the wall near the door, most likely left over damage from the crash. It wasn't really big enough to be seen unless you were looking for it, but still it was dangerous enough that Kane should buy it. She'd tell Jackson that's what she fell against but there was no way Raven was going to let it stay. It may not have hurt Abby this time but it still could.

She hurried back to her workshop as quick as she was able and grabbed her tools. On her way out spied a large square piece of scrap metal and an idea struck her on how to hide the blood stain with something better. Something that would hopefully make Abby smile when she saw it. She would work out the design while she made the repairs to Abby's quarters and then talk to Griggs, one of the other mechanics from the Ark but first she needed to see Abby more than she'd ever needed anything and she made her way to medical.

"I'm not staying here Jackson."

Raven would know that low smoky voice anywhere. It was the only sound in the universe that made her shiver. Realizing how close she'd come to never hearing it again nearly broke her.

"Abby, you've lost a lot of blood and you're weak," Jackson stated firmly. "You're not going anywhere. Not until you tell me what happened."

Raven saw the fear on Abby's face even from where she stood. It made her angry because no matter what anyone threw at her she had only seen Abby afraid a handful of times, all of them involving her daughter and Raven wanted to tear into anyone that made her feel that way. Besides, she knew that Jackson had figured out what happened and didn't understand why he would push her right now. However, she trusted him just enough not to walk over and punch him in the eye. Yet.

"I found the problem," Raven interrupted.

Abby turned and saw Raven and her heart stopped. Despite her grogginess and the pain in her stomach, she hadn't forgotten the words Raven had said to her, but the anxiety in the younger woman's face was in complete contrast to the angry insult she'd thrown at her before.

"Raven," she greeted cautiously, swallowing at the shaky smile on Raven's face and the tears in her eyes.

"Hey Abby," Raven said gently, approaching her bed. "I'm glad you're awake."

"Yes and now I want to go home."

"That's not happening Abby," Jackson interjected.

"I feel fine."

"Then why don't you tell me why Kane found you lying in a pool of blood in your quarters?" Jackson pushed, hoping Abby would open up to him but not expecting she would.

"Marcus found me?" Abby whispered already horrified at knowing she'd miscalculated enough to end up in medical but mortified that Marcus Kane of all people had found her.

"He did. He believes someone attacked you and wants to start an investigation," Jackson said deliberately.

Abby felt sick. Marcus couldn't know what she'd done. He would take the only things she had left.

"I uh...I went to your quarters to clean up, so you wouldn't have to," Raven spoke up, drawing an alarmed look from Abby that sent a stab of pain through her. "I found the piece of metal you ran into Abby," she added quickly. "You know the one sticking out near the door?"

Abby's eyes slid shut. Clearly Raven knew the truth but she was covering for her and she had no idea what to make of that. "Oh," she said weakly and then jumped when she felt a warm calloused hand on hers. Her eyes opened to meet Raven's and was confused by the far too serious look on her face.

"Don't worry Abby. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix everything," Raven swore solemnly, leaving Abby to wonder if there was another meaning behind the simple words, but then Raven offered her trademark smirk. "But, I need you to stay here overnight because I...uh...saw some other possible damage from the crash that needs repairs."

Jackson nodded his approval at Raven for her quick thinking, though he suspected the mechanic was up to something. Seeing her smiling at Abby while gently brushing hair from her eyes, he knew it would be something designed to win the doctor's heart.

"She's going to stay here tonight with no complaint, won't you Doctor Griffin?"

Abby heaved an irritated sigh. "Fine."

"I'll remember your easy cooperation next time you're trying to make me stay confined to a hospital bed against my will," Raven teased, though her smile vanished when Abby shifted and then whimpered in pain.

"I've got to go," she said, knowing she'd cry if she stayed any longer. "I'll have your quarters fixed by tomorrow," she said and then all but ran from Medical, leaving Abby frowning behind her and Jackson shaking his head.

"What's wrong with Raven?" Abby asked, turning to look at Jackson. "Did something happen? Is she okay?"

 _There it is_ , Jackson thought. It seemed Ravings feelings weren't one sided. It was a shame Raven didn't know that, it would keep her from sticking her foot in her mouth again, he thought with amusement. Now, however, it was time to deal with Abby.

"What's wrong with Raven is that she blames herself for what happened to you."

Abby frowned. "What? Why, she didn't crash the Ark and cause the..."

"Stop Abby. I know the truth about what happened," Jackson said more angry than he had wanted to show. "Raven blames herself for your getting drunk and cutting yourself."

"Jackson," Abby shifted and once again, pain shot through her at the movement.

"Quit moving," Jackson ordered. "Don't try to deny it Abby. I've seen the other scars. I'm not going to tell anyone," he quickly asserted when he saw the panicked denial on her face.

"You don't understand," Abby whispered, shame for her lack of self control forcing her to look away from the man she'd always trusted more than almost anyone.

"I think I do," he said gently, "but I'm not going to force you to talk to me about it. Not yet but Abby, you nearly killed yourself."

Abby closed her eyes. She'd been drunk again, trying to forget Raven's words and the coldness on her face as she told Abby how horrible she was. Instantly Abby had relived every failure she'd ever made as doctor and chancellor. She knew Raven had been right but then regret began to overtake doubts followed by memories and sounds of things she wanted nothing more than to forget. She needed to defeat it and there was only one way. She had grabbed the scalpel she had taken from medical and lifted her shirt, all the while images of Raven and Clarke blurred together both looking at her with anger and disappointment. She began the delicate slice across her skin when something banged against the door and startled her so badly the knife went deeper than she intended and the next thing she remembered was waking up with Jackson looking down at her.

"It was an accident," she muttered.

"I'm sure it was. You're too god a surgeon to make such a mistake. My concern is why you did this to yourself in the first place. I know you've been under more pressure than I can ever begin to imagine, but Abby, you're a doctor. You had to know..."

"I do know," she interrupted angrily. 'And you said you wouldn't make me talk."

"I won't, on one condition."

Abby suspected it would be that she never cut again, though she wasn't sure she could keep that promise.

"What?"

"I want you to talk to Raven."

Abby couldn't have been more shocked or more terrified. "Raven? Why?" If anything she would have expected him to say Marcus, which she would never do.

Jackson watched Abby's face closely. "Because she loves you."

Abby stared at Jackson as if she'd never seen him before. "That's absurd," she stammered, ignoring the little flutter in her chest.

"And I'm pretty sure her feelings aren't entirely one sided."

"Are you insane?" Abby hissed. "What if someone heard you? What if _she_ heard you. She's young enough to be my daughter, Jackson. She'd be horrified at best."

"No, she wouldn't," Jackson smirked, "and I don't hear you denying it."

Oh how Abby longed to do just that but the words simply wouldn't come. "Jackson, don't do this to me," she pleaded.

"Okay, I'll stop," Jackson agreed, not wanting to upset her any further but guessing her complicated feelings for Raven were part of her struggles. "Just please. Talk to her. I know how much you carry alone, but you don't have to and I think Raven is probably the one person in this place you can truly be honest with."

"How can I?" Abby choked. "She already sees me as weak."

"No she doesn't. What she said to you...she's afraid Abby. Just like you and believe me when I tell you she wants nothing more than to be there for you."

Abby snorted, though it sounded more like a sob. "You're wrong. Raven is just a kid Jackson and she has her own problems to deal with."

"Now who's being absurd Chancellor," Jackson chuckled but his smile quickly faded. "Raven has never been 'just a kid', even before we reached the ground. We both saw that first hand when she snuck into the monitoring room through the airducts. And, to be honest, I think she needs you as much as you need her."

"She's got her friends here," Abby argued as she felt her own loneliness seeping in.

"She wants you Abby," Jackson said bluntly. He wasn't horribly comfortable talking about his boss's love life, but it needed to be done. "Look, we both know how fragile life is here. Don't let an insignificant age difference or anything else prevent you from grabbing on to whatever happiness you find, but you can't keep going the way you are, holding everything inside. You need someone to let someone in Abby or you'll burn out, kill yourself or make a mistake that can't be undone."

Abby sighed. He was right but the thought of dropping her walls even just a little, terrified her. "I'll think about what you said," she replied dully, "but now, since I'm stuck here, I'm going to try and sleep."

"Good idea, but Abby, I have to tell you that if I even suspect you're cutting again, I will tell Kane and even if he isn't Chancellor he can force a new election and I will insist you stay out of medical until I trust your judgment. Got it?"

Abby was surprised and rather impressed by the younger doctor and how he has finally become the type of doctor she always knew he was, but she was still to raw to deal with anything else so she simply nodded.

Jackson knew he wouldn't be getting a response so he stepped away from her bed. All he could do was hope Raven would let her own walls down long enough to reach her.

 **TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

"So, you ready to go?" Raven asked lightly as she entered the empty medical bay, trying very very hard not to gape at the sight of Abby Griffin in a tank top.

Abby stared at Raven blankly for a moment. "What?"

"I'm here to help you back home. I brought you another shirt but it looks like you found one," she said, no longer able to keep her eyes from wandering. _Fuck_ , she thought just barely able to suppress an awestruck sigh as she stared dumbly at what Abby Griffin had been hiding under her really boring work clothes.

Abby's mouth went dry at the look on Raven's face, her very young face Abby reminded herself. "Oh. I keep a change of clothes here if I'm working late."

"Which you do. A lot," Raven commented, her thoughts immediately switched from the hypnotic vision in front of her to the reason Abby was here in the first place.

Abby was too sore and too tired to argue. "I appreciate your coming by Raven but I'm fine. I can find my home by myself."

Raven shifted, knowing Abby was still hurt and angry with her but she wasn't about to walk away. Not again. "I'd hope so, but I'm still helping you today. Jackson's orders."

"Jackson doesn't order me around," Abby stated in that damned raspy voice that made Raven's knees weak.

"He does today." Jackson inserted. "Abby you know better. You're still weak and unless you want to stay here one more night until you're fully recovered, you will let Raven make sure you get to your quarters safely.

"You've become bossy," Abby muttered.

"I learned from the best," he quipped. "She's all yours," he grinned at Raven.

Raven stepped close to Abby, closer than she'd been in too long and she felt as if a million birds were fighting in her stomach. "Ready?" the hoarseness of her own voice surprising her. Not giving Abby a chance to respond, she slid an arm around her waist, only briefly wondering why a sudden and unfamiliar feeling of rightness swept over her.

Abby started at the feel of Raven's arm around her, feeling far more than she had a right to but she'd be damned if she'd show it. She started to lift her arm to put it around Raven's shoulders but hissed as the movement caused a flash of pain in her stomach.

"Abby?" Raven asked, concern overriding everything else she had been thinking.

"It's okay," Abby said tightly.

"You're lying," Raven stated but bent as best she could, carefully helping Abby put her arm around her own waist.

"Okay?" she asked.

"Good enough," Abby admitted as they slowly made their way back to Abby's quarters. "How's your leg?"

"Good enough," Raven smirked, for once not feeling the defensive anger she usually felt when someone implied she was weaker than she was.

"God, we must be quite a pathetic sight," Abby laughed softly and the rare, beautiful sound brought a sting of unexpected tears to Raven's eyes.

"You could never look pathetic Abby," Raven said seriously. "Not ever."

Abby faltered at that but kept walking. "Hm," was all she said, Raven's hurtful words replaying over and over and she was relieved her quarters were strategically close to the medical bay so she could be alone to pull herself together.

Raven sighed. She didn't have to be a mind-reader to know where Abby's thoughts had gone. "Abby, I..."

"We're here," Abby said cutting off the apology she wasn't sure she wanted to hear. "Thank you Raven, I can take it from here."

Raven wanted to protest. She wanted to demand that Abby let her apologize and that she finally tell her everything that had been dragging her down but she wouldn't push. Not yet. Besides, she wasn't sure she wanted to be in the room when Abby saw her present.

Raven helped Abby lower her arm, missing the warmth already.

"Abby, I know you're the Chancellor and everything, but here's what's going to happen," Raven said more bravely than she felt. "You're going to rest tonight and then tomorrow, provided we're not at war again, I'm going to come by and we're going to have a very long overdue talk."

"Raven," Abby started to protest. Despite what she promised Jackson, she really couldn't see herself bearing her soul to a girl barely older than her own daughter, one who already thought she was weak and unable to do her job. Either of them.

"No Abby," Raven protested firmly. "I fucked up. I was hurting and defensive and I said things to you I shouldn't have. Things I didn't mean and that are one thousand percent not true and I hate myself for it. And tomorrow we're going to talk. I'm going to tell you I'm sorry until you believe me and then, well we'll go from there."

Abby didn't even have a chance to reply as Raven turned and walked away, stumbling slightly at the sudden change in position.

She opened the door and entered her quarters, trying not to remember what had happened the night before and froze mid-step. All the clutter and paperwork normally spread all over her desk and floor, all the jars of moonshine and empty cups were gone and there were marks on various parts of the wall where Raven had clearly repaired protruding pieces of metal that Abby hadn't even noticed. Her eyes instinctively went to the floor where she expected to see a big blood stain, the permanent mark of her shame, but instead she saw something that hadn't been there before. She walked toward it and her chest tightened when she saw a metal plate welded to the floor, the shape of a bird that she automatically knew was a raven, etched into it. Then she saw the note beside it and careful of her injury, she knelt to pick it up.

"Abby. I couldn't stand the thought of you looking at this spot and being sad so I had this made for you hoping that whenever things get too much, you'll know that I will always be here for you."

"Oh Raven," Abby whispered, tears slipping down her face as she ran her hand over the beautiful bird thinking about how much like Raven it really was. So beautiful but with edges sharp enough to draw blood.

 _You suck at both jobs_. The words ate at her and she was more confused than ever. How could Raven say something designed to be deliberately hurtful, then turn around and do something so sweet. Fighting back the tears that still lingered near the surface, she gingerly got to her feet, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. She walked to the bed and carefully lay down too exhausted to deal with anything else.

Abby swore as she lay in the dark wide awake. Apparently even severe blood loss and pain killers weren't enough to let her sleep. Her thoughts turned dark wondering if there was only one way to finally rest but she shoved it aside. She still had some pride left. Groaning in irritation, she turned on her lamp and got out of bed, savoring the twinge of pain in her abdomen. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't do the one thing that would help so she might as well take a walk.

She carefully pulled on some jeans and headed to the door. She stopped as she approached the metal plate on the floor and simply looked at it. For better or worse, it actually helped. Instead of memories of her pain, all she thought of when she saw it was the young woman responsible for it. Sighing, she continued out of her quarters and nearly tripped over her feet when she saw the sleeping woman resting on the floor across from her.

"Raven?"

The sleeping mechanic jerked upright. "Keep your pants on, I'll be there in a fucking minute," she muttered grumpily before realizing she was awake. Abby's lips twitched. Against her will, Abby had to admit she'd rarely seen anything as adorable as a sleepy and confused Raven Reyes.

"Oh. Hey Abby," she said, her voice scratchy from sleep.

"Hey Abby? Really? How about telling me why you're sleeping on the floor outside of my quarters?"

Raven's usual arrogance was replaced by a sheepish embarrassment. "Because I fell asleep," she shrugged.

"Thank you for clearing that up," Abby drawled, a small smile lifting her lips.

Any smartass reply Raven might have made vanished at the sight of a smile she'd seen so rarely and those little creases by her lips. "Do you even know how beautiful you are?" she mused. The shocked look on Abby's face told her she'd spoken that out loud and her hand flew to her mouth.

"What?" Abby had no idea what to even say.

Raven searched for a way out of her embarrassment but aside from taking back what she said, which she wouldn't do, there was only one other way to distract the doctor. "Can you help me up?" she asked innocently while nearly choking on the words.

Abby was almost as shocked by the request as she was the compliment, but she couldn't reject Raven the one time she willingly asked for help, whatever the reason. She held out her hand.

Raven sighed in relief then took Abby's hand. She placed her other on the wall behind her to make sure Abby put as little stress on her belly as possible. She briefly thought that if feeling Abby's warm hand in hers was the result of asking for help, she may be willing to do it a little more often.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. You didn't answer my question. Why are you camped outside of my door?"

Raven shrugged and looked at her feet. "Because you might have needed me."

Abby's heart constricted and a sob nearly escaped at that. "Raven, please don't..."

"Where are we going?" Raven interrupted with her familiar cocky grin.

"I can't speak for you but I can't sleep so I'm taking a walk," Abby said, walking away from the distracting young woman.

"I'm pretty sure that's not a good idea," Raven said, following the stubborn woman. Fortunately Abby wasn't able to move as quickly as she normally did which allowed Raven to keep up.

"I am a doctor Raven, I know my own limits," she retorted, beginning to grow irritated.

The two women were silent for a moment as they stepped outside and Raven bit her lip as she considered her next words.

"Do you?" she finally said softly.

"Excuse me?" Abby said with a coldness she'd never used with Raven before.

Raven swallowed. "I asked if you really do know your own limits?"

Abby stopped and glared at the mechanic. "How dare you?" she demanded, shame fueling her anger.

"Easily," Raven snapped. "I dare because you could have died Abby," she blurted, her voice cracking slightly. You could have died and I'm not about to let that happen again."

That deflated Abby's anger and she sighed. "In case you've forgotten, I am a grown woman," she said pointedly. "I've been taking care of myself longer than you've been alive."

"I know what you did there," Raven said, slightly hurt at the obvious dig at her age, "and we're going to talk about how ridiculous that statement is later, but right now I'm going to point out that you aren't taking care of yourself. You're too busy..."

"Too busy playing doctor and Chancellor," Abby finished bitterly, throwing Raven's words back at her.

Regret twisted in Raven but she needed to say it. "Yeah you are," she said gently. "And too busy trying to take care of everyone else. Who takes care of you Abby?"

"I don't need..."

"Yes you do dammit," Raven shouted and then calmed herself when she noticed she'd drawn the eyes of the others that were still up.

"I'm not doing this now Raven," Abby said stubbornly.

Raven was growing frustrated, having no idea how to break through walls that were thicker than hers but she was nothing if not determined.

"Good, because it's cold outside," Raven said nonchalantly. "We can do this back in your quarters."

"That's not what I meant," Abby stated. "I...where's your jacket?" She asked, for the first time noticing Raven was without her beloved red jacket.

Raven shrugged. "Inside. Which is where we should be. Now let's go."

Abby sighed, knowing the tenacious mechanic wouldn't give up. "Fine," she muttered and turned around, wincing at the twinge of pain.

"Abby? Are you okay?" Raven asked with concern.

Abby just barely kept from snapping at the young woman, "I'm fine Raven," she said tiredly.

Raven was worried that maybe she was pushing Abby too hard, but she knew it was needed. She also knew that she couldn't expect Abby, a woman who prided herself on control as much as Raven, to open up if Raven wasn't willing to.

"I'm not fine Abby," Raven admitted nervously.

Abby frowned and turned to Raven. "Is it your hip?" she asked, instinctively reaching out to place a hand on the hip in question. Raven's breath hitched at the unexpected contact but she wouldn't be distracted.

"No," she replied simply but said nothing else as she led Abby back to her quarters and then followed her in.

"Sit down Abby," Raven said firmly.

"Raven..."

"Please?"

Abby sighed, wondering if she'd ever be able to refuse the young woman anything when she flashed those big brown eyes. She carefully lowered herself onto the edge of the bed and watched as Raven shifted awkwardly looking more unsure of herself than Abby had ever seen her.

Raven's eyes looked at everything but Abby. She had lost so much and had swore to herself she'd never let anyone close enough to matter again, but yesterday told her it had been a useless promise. Suddenly her eyes fell on the metal plate she'd had Griggs etch for her and her chest ached as she remembered what was underneath it.

"You could have died Abby," Raven whispered, tears stinging her eyes as she remembered everything from the previous day, including the horrible words she'd thrown at Abby echoing in her head and learning just how much and how quietly Abby had been suffering by herself. It all became too much and she glared at Abby who was staring at her in surprise.

"You almost died," she repeated and to her horror, she burst into tears and she though her entire leg protested painfully, she fell to her knees in front of the startled doctor, "and it was my fault," she finished, wrapping her arms around Abby's waist and burying her head in her lap.

For a split second, Abby was too stunned to move but then the sound of Raven crying broke through and her own heart shattered.

"I'm alright Raven and what happened, it's not your fault," she soothed, running her hand over Raven's hair, tears burning in her throat as she tried to comfort the girl who'd lost so much. Raven pulled back and met Abby's eyes, hurting all over again when she saw tears in Abby's own dark eyes. Just like that, Abby's hand was on her cheek, thumb wiping away her tears and her eyes closed while she savored the comfort and then she realized Abby was doing it again and she pulled back and gently removed Abby's hand.

"No Abby, not this time."

"I don't understand," Abby frowned, feeling a bit rejected. Then she saw the grimace on Raven's face and sighed.

"Please get up Raven. I know that's killing your leg." She gently helped Raven off her knees so that she was sitting on the bed.

"Are you alright?"

"Just stop Abby," Raven said, nearly begging. "Stop putting everyone first for one fucking second."

"Raven you're making..."

"Don't you dare say I'm making a big deal out of nothing," Raven snapped. "You've been hurting yourself that's not nothing. Why?"

Abby's throat tightened, fear and uncertainty closing in on her and Abby didn't like being cornered. "That is my business Raven," she said coolly.

"Bullshit," Raven snapped. "I'm not an idiot Abby. It's not a coincidence that the day I say the shittiest thing I could think of to say to you, you wind up in medical, bleeding to death." Raven tried so hard not to cry again at the memory of what she'd done.

Abby's eyes closed. Very few things broke her heart like the sight of Raven Reyes crying. "Raven, what you said...yes, it hurt, but you were right. I've spread myself too thin doing both jobs, and both have suffered for it, but it's been this way since the Ark. I've tried so hard to control everything and it just made everything worse. You are not responsible for my failures."

Raven stared at Abby as if she were a different person. "Failures? What the fuck Abby? You're about the only one of the so-called "adults" in this place that has a brain."

Abby's lips lifted a little at the backhanded compliment but it faded almost as soon as it appeared. "Oh honey, I appreciate that I do, but you just don't understand."

"You've never treated me like a kid Abby," Raven chided, "please don't start now. Tell me. Tell me what it is that haunts you to the point of your doing that," she placed a gentle finger over Abby's abdomen.

""How can I Raven? You've got your own problems, your own pains. You've gone through so much..."

"And so have you," Raven interrupted. "The only difference is I've had Sinclair to talk to if I needed it. You've gone through just as much as anyone else but you keep everything inside while fighting for everyone else. For me."

"For you?" Abby let out a shaky bitter laugh. "I sent you the ground in a piece of shit escape pod, not knowing if you'd make it, just to find my daughter. I risked your life, for my own selfish reasons."

"No you didn't Abby. You did it to save 300 people as well as to find Clarke. I'm the one who insisted on going and you nearly got yourself floated to make it happen."

"And it failed," Abby replied darkly. "I tried to tell the people what was happening so they could stand up to Kane and Jaha, but instead I had them volunteering to die. They died because of me."

Raven shook her head. "No Abby, they died because someone stole the radio out of the pod and I couldn't contact you in time. If anyone is to blame it's me for not protecting it." _And Bellamy for stealing it,_ she thought but couldn't bring herself to say it.

"That's ridiculous," Abby protested.

"It is. Just like you blaming yourself is ridiculous. Look, those people volunteered because they wanted to save the lives of people they loved. They died hero's Abby, don't take that away from them."

Abby sighed. Raven was right but the sight of all those bodies would haunt her until she died, along with so many other things.

"And what about your leg?" she pointed out.

"What about it?"

"You're going to tell me that it isn't my fault you can't walk on that leg?"

Raven's breath caught in her throat. She never imagined that's where Abby's mind would have gone and that just made her feel worse. "Fuck Abby, I would never blame you for this. Never."

"Isn't that what you meant when you told me I 'sucked' as a doctor?"

"No! I'm alive because of you Abby. I'm able to walk mostly on my own, because of you. "

"Do you know I still hear your screams?" Abby asked quietly.

"Abby," Raven breathed, having no idea how to respond to that. "I told you to do it,"she reminded her. "I made the decision."

"It doesn't matter. I can still see you. You were so afraid but so damned brave." Abby said, taking Raven's hand in hers and looking at their joined fingers. "But your screams Raven. I had to hear them each time I cut into you and it nearly killed me. I still hear them at night."

Raven's fingers tightened sympathetically around Abby's. "I would take that away from you if I could," was all she could say.

Abby found herself smiling. "I know you would, but as I said, you have enough to carry."

Raven sighed. She had a feeling that Abby was preparing to shut off but there was still so much she needed to deal with and Raven knew it was time to force the issue.

"What happened to Clarke's father?" she blurted, even though she already knew the answer. It was an almost physical ache when Abby jerked her hand way from Raven's and shot to her feet. Raven could only watch helplessly as Abby whimpered and grabbed her stomach as the sudden move pulled on her stitches.

"It's time for you to leave Raven."

"Nope," Raven said with an arrogance she wasn't feeling.

"I'm not talking about that with you."

Abby's voice had become even raspier and in any other circumstance Raven would have found that incredibly hot, but knowing it was because she was fighting tears, was breaking her heart.

"Why not?"

And predictably Abby grew defensive. "You don't have the right to sit there and force me to talk about anything when you throw insults at me to avoid talking."

"You're right," Raven agreed easily, impressed that she'd managed to surprise the older woman. "And that's something we can talk about later, but for right now you're going to tell me what really happened to your husband."

For a terrifying moment Abby thought she was going to throw up, right there and her fingers tightened into a fist as she fought the urge to kick Raven out and regain her control the one way she knew how.

"Tell me," Raven pushed gently.

"I'm sure you already heard the details," Abby said, breathing coming harder as she fought not to panic.

"Well yeah, rumors were the main form of entertainment on the Ark," Raven said, resisting the urge to go hold the surprisingly fragile woman and apologize. "Word was that you turned him in for treason."

Abby's eyes clamped shut at the pain that cut through her more sharply than the scalpel. "Well there you are then."

"It's bullshit," Raven replied quickly. "I know you Abby and I know that you wouldn't do that. What's the rest of the story?"

"Jackson already told you, didn't he? When he pressured you into coming here?" Abby's lips lifted in a bitter smirk.

"Not going to work Abby," Raven said, crossing her arms. "Yeah Jackson told me what really happened, but it wasn't anything I hadn't already guessed. As I said, you don't betray people Abby. I've always known there was something else behind your husband's death and Clarke's arrest and for the record, Jackson had _nothing_ to do with my being here."

Abby shook her head, wanting Raven to leave before she fell apart completely. "Raven, please just..."

"Tell me," Raven pushed and the last of Abby's restraint vanished.

"Fine goddammit. I did betray Jake. I found out he was going to tell the ship about the lack of oxygen. _I_ decided that he shouldn't do that. I ignored everything I knew about the man I loved because I had to be right. I went to Jaha because he and Jake had been friends for years. I believed he could make Jake see reason." She stopped, the memories pounding on the walls of her control.

"Jaha betrayed you and Kane arrested both Jake and Clarke," Raven finished, sympathy and fury warring inside of her when she thought of the two men who were ultimately responsible for all the suffering everyone has had to endure and only Abby was paying for it.

"What else?" Raven pushed, feeling in her bones that Abby needed to release everything now or she'd never recover.

"Please Raven," Abby begged, fighting with everything she had left to hold onto her control.

"I can't Abby. I can't leave you alone with all of this. I won't. Now tell me the rest."

Abby was silent so long Raven thought she was going to ignore her. She should have known better. Even in this Abby was strong. Strong enough to let go.

"I look at you, at Clarke...all of you at everything you've had to go through, things not even the so-called adults have had to face," she said quietly, unable to look at a young woman who'd been through ten levels of hell and was still standing. "I've seen you beaten and bloody. I've seen you tortured while I stood by, unable to help you. I've seen the things Clarke has been forced to do...none of that should have happened. Those kids...you, were sent down here alone, to fend for yourself because we were too cowardly to come ourselves and I was too much of a coward to fight against it."

"Stop," Raven ordered firmly. "You didn't make that decision or any of the other decisions that ended in people dying. From what I've seen, you did everything you could to prevent it and when that failed, you were the only person who worked to make it bearable. Those people on the Ark were going to die anyway Abby. Kane refused to hear any other option or give you the time you needed to hear from me. You, Abby, gave those people a legacy where they died heroes instead of victims."

"Tell that to the kids who lost their parents or the men and women who lost their loved ones."

"I don't have to. You were the one who gave them a chance to say goodbye," Raven told her gently.

Abby hadn't thought of it that way, but it almost seemed to make things worse. However, Raven wasn't giving her a chance to argue.

"As for Clarke, Bellamy and the others?" Raven continued. "They were being sent down whether you approved or not but you were the one who gave them the bracelets so that you could care for them even from the Ark. You did everything you could to protect them but they were the ones who chose to take them off. Besides, if it hadn't been for that bitch Nygel, you would have come down with me. Instead you risked your life to protect me so that I could have a chance to do something brave fora change.God, how many times have you nearly gotten yourself floated protecting people Abby? How many shocklashes did you take for trying to find Clarke?"

Abby looked at Raven, the pain sharp in her eyes. "I'm the one who gave them guns Raven and how did that work out? I gave a gun to an unstable kid who wound up killing a bunch of innocent people and the only way to prevent a war was for my child to kill him," the horror of that moment, of Clarke's face and Raven's cries were burned into her memory.

Raven fought her own pain at the reminder of the gentle boy who had lost himself. "No you don't get to blame yourself for that Abby. It kills me inside that he's dead. He was my family and I loved him but he made the decision to kill those people because he was freaked out over Clarke. He wouldn't have even been here if it weren't for me. I was the one who took that spacewalk but he took the blame because I would have been floated. And I'm the one who gave Clarke the knife. I wanted her to kill the Commander but after learning what Grounder torture is like, I'm glad she killed him instead. She saved him from so much suffering. _"_

"But she has to live with it Raven. She has to live with killing someone she loved."

Raven blinked as everything fell into place. "Just like you do," she said.

Abby felt as if Raven had just ripped her heart out. "Get out," she whispered, her chest constricting so badly she feared she would hyperventilate.

"What?" Raven was shocked by the fury in Abby's eyes and she realized what she'd said. "Oh Jesus Abby I didn't mean it that way," she swore desperately.

"I don't know what other possible meaning you could have," Abby said, tears stinging her eyes as she remembered the gentle forgiving smile on Jake's face right before he was sucked out the airlock.

Raven was mentally kicking her own ass. "I only meant that I just realized why Clarke and I instantly got along. She is so much like you it's scary, intimidating and all kinds of amazing."

"I don't want her to be like me," Abby protested. "I want her to be happy and innocent and..."

"Look at where we are Abby," Raven interrupted. "That was never going to happen for any of us. If we hadn't come here, we all would have died from lack of oxygen never knowing anything but the small cramped artificial world we lived in. Earth is so wild and unpredictable that we would have faced these dangers whether the 'grown-ups' had come first or not. The truth is, however it happened, we finally have a true home Abby and yeah, it's dangerous and scary as hell sometimes but that's not really a bad thing."

"How can you say that after everything you've suffered Raven? I've put you back together so many times I know every scar on your body by heart."

Raven forced herself to put that image aside for the moment. _"_ Because I've finally learned that I'm far more than I thought I could ever be Abby. More than I ever would have been allowed to become on the Ark. I learned that I'm strong, that I can survive anything and that life isn't just some big fucking joke and so has Clarke."

"Clarke," Abby's voice broke and the first tears began to fall. "She watched her father die a horrible, horrible death because of me Raven. She was arrested and sent down to earth to die because of me. She's had to do things that will torment her for the rest of her life. I did that Raven. I did this to my own child." And then finally the damn broke and Abby collapsed to her knees,

Raven's throat burned with suppressed tears as she watched the proud formidable woman fall apart. It was what she had wanted, but the sight was still one of the most heart wrenching things she'd ever seen and she couldn't stand it. Ignoring the pain in her leg, she was on her knees at Abby's side in a heartbeat.

"Oh Abby," she breathed, pulling the sobbing woman into her arms, gently stroking her hair as she let the overly burdened woman release her pain.

"It's not your fault,"she whispered, unsure if the distraught woman was even able to hear her. "It's not your fault. None of it." Unable to help herself, she placed a soft kiss to Abby's hair. Shifting to ease her screaming hip, she pulled Abby tighter whispering every comforting thing she could think of, as her own tears began to fall.

Eventually Abby's body wracking sobs eased into whimpers and finally into sniffles. Gradually, she pulled away. She looked up, startled to see Raven's tear stained face. "I'm sorry," she muttered, trying to regain her composure.

Raven felt Abby stiffen and her hands went to the beautiful face, thumbs wiping the tear tracks from her cheeks "Oh no Abby, please don't say that," she pleaded. "I...you are the most amazing person I've ever met," she said, staring into soulful dark eyes.

"No I..."

Raven placed her fingers over Abby's lips, needing her to listen. "You are insanely brilliant and so fucking tough. You always fight for people not because of any title, but because it's right and because it's who you are. You didn't kill your husband Abby. You didn't kill those people on the Ark, you didn't send Clarke and the others down here."

"But I..."

"No, I'm not done," Raven interrupted anxiously, afraid she'd never have this chance again. "Yeah Clarke has done things nobody should have to do and she's made some mistakes, but so have you, so have I and everybody else here, but everything Clarke has done has brought out a strength and leadership in her she never would have discovered up in space. She protects her friends and family with a fierceness that's second only to yours and can handle anything that gets thrown at her and kick its ass. She's become just like you Abby and in my eyes, that's pretty damned awesome."

"Raven," Abby whispered, feeling as if she could cry again. "Why are you here?" she asked helplessly.

Raven smiled softly. "Because there's nowhere else I want to be," she answered simply. "I'm here to remind you that you are the biggest badass I've ever met. You not only brought Lincoln back from the dead, you cured him of being a reaper. Who else could do that but you? You stopped a war that day Abby. And you confronted that psycho Indra all alone and with no weapons. You keep getting kicked to the ground but you _always_ get up and keep fighting for everyone. You just need to remember to fight for yourself once in a while."

"It's not that simple," Abby sighed, though she felt a warmth she hadn't felt in a long time at Raven's ardent defense.

"Yeah Abby, it is that simple. You've forgotten who you are, but I haven't. Until I came down here, you were the only person besides Finn that ever saw me. You treated me like a person, not a kid and not just some loser mechanic from Mecha. You trusted me with information that I could have easily used against you. And despite all the lies I knew were being told up there, you were one of two people that I trusted and you are still are. I trust you with my life Abby, with everything I am, more than anybody else and I really want to be that for you."

"Raven, I'm old enough to be your mother. You have friends your own age that..."

"Fuck that Abby," Raven said angrily. "Age doesn't matter here. It's just a number and while I've come to care a lot about Clarke and the others, you are the one I want to come to when shit gets too hard. You're the only one I willingly let see me in pain. You are the one I think about when I'm lonely and who makes me feel safe when I'm afraid. And..." she paused, thinking this was so not the time to reveal her feelings, but how could she not when Abby was still in her arms. "You're the one who makes my heart race when you smile at me," she finished quietly.

A reaper could have burst through her quarters just then and Abby wouldn't have been able to move. _She loves you_. She remembered Jackson's words but hadn't believed it. She wasn't sure she wanted to believe it.

"What are you saying?" was all she was able to say.

"I...can we get up?" Raven laughed weakly.

"Oh. Oh, god. I'm sorry Raven," Abby said, getting to her feet as carefully as she could and helped Raven to hers.

"Quit apologizing," Raven chided. "Look Abby, things are shit right now. You're dealing with so many things. So am I and so is everyone else, but we live each day never knowing what new attack or disaster is going to come and..." she froze, her supply of courage having finally run out.

Abby's own heart was pounding so loud she thought she could hear it. "What are you saying?"

Once more Raven placed a hand on Abby's cheek. "I'm saying that I...I care for you a lot Abby. More than I've ever cared for anyone. You inspire me every day by how strong you are. No matter what twisted thing I've been through, when I'm back here and see you, I feel...grounded and know that everything will be alright even if I don't show it and I guarantee I'm not the only one."

"How can you, when half the time I don't know what I'm doing?" Abby laughed weakly.

"You'd never know it to look at you and God you're so damned beautiful," for a split second Raven lost herself in sad eyes that nearly broke her heart but were usually so often filled with a fire that was thrilling. "There's nothing I've ever wanted more than to kiss you right now," she continued, "but I'm not going to."

Abby couldn't help the flash of disappointment at that, even as her brain tried to process Raven's beautiful declaration. "You want to kiss me?" she asked bemused. Their age difference alone was enough to give Abby pause.

"Well yeah," Raven replied as if that was the most ridiculous question she'd ever heard. Then she took a deep breath wanting to alleviate the heaviness that still lingered in the room.

"Now, I think that's enough for tonight. You, Doctor-slash- Chancellor are going to lie down and sleep and I'm going to sit in this chair and keep you company."

"Raven no. You can't spend the night in that chair. Go back to your own quarters, I'll be fine."

"If I leave, it will only be to sit on the floor outside again. It's either there or here and you know how stubborn I can be."

Abby sighed. The emotional release had exhausted her and she simply didn't have it in her to fight, nor did she want to. She lay back on the cot and closed her eyes. Unable to ignore the image of Raven cramped in a chair with her hip hurting, she patted the bed.

"Come here," she said, forcing herself to believe it was purely for Raven's benefit.

Raven swallowed but did as asked. She shifted and slid in beside Abby though she she sat with her back against the wall, telling her heart to stop racing. Soon the room fell quiet and Raven thought Abby had finally fallen asleep, until that husky voice jolted her from her own thoughts.

"Thank you Raven," Abby whispered, having no doubt that shame for her weakness would fill her tomorrow but at this moment she didn't care. To her surprise, Raven didn't offer a cocky smile and witty retort.

"You aren't alone anymore Abby," Raven replied quietly.

"I'm afraid," Abby admitted reluctantly.

Raven's eyes slid closed, realizing just how much that admission cost the self-assured woman. "I know you are," she said. "So am I, but we can be afraid together."

Abby sighed. "You realize that this is the most you've ever willing said since I've known you?"

Raven chuckled softly. "I guess I was just saving it for a special occasion." She turned and looked down, meeting Abby's gaze which had changed from sad to probing and her heart flipped.

"The plaque you made...it's beautiful," Abby said, finally growing sleepy.

Raven's heart fluttered. She'd almost forgotten it and now felt somewhat embarrassed. "I...thanks, but I actually didn't make it," she muttered. "Richard Griggs did."

"But you had the idea and you put it in," Abby argued, a warmth Raven thought she'd never hear again, touching her voice. "It means far more to me than you will ever know."

"You're welcome," Raven shifted, feeling suddenly nervous.

"I don't know Griggs well, but I've heard he does very little without a cost," Abby commented. "I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have done something as intricate as that beautiful etching just for me. Especially considering he doesn't like you," she added with a hint of amusement.

"You'd be surprised at what people would do for you," Raven said softly.

Abby was silent for a moment as it suddenly hit her. "Your jacket," she breathed as she figured out what Grigg's had asked from Raven.

"What?" Raven felt a sudden urge to run.

"That was Grigg's price for making that plaque. Your jacket." Abby felt tears sting her eyes once more, but this time it wasn't from sadness or guilt.

Raven considered blowing it off as no big deal, but she looked down at Abby who was staring at her with such bemused awe that someone would do something so relatively unimportant just for her.

"It was a bargain," Raven told her honestly.

"Oh Raven you shouldn't have. I know how much that coat means to you," Abby whispered.

"You mean more," Raven told her.

Abby had no idea what to say, so she took Raven's hand and placed a gentle kiss in her palm, looking at her with such adorable confusion that Raven couldn't help herself.

"I lied," Raven blurted, her fingers reaching out to tuck a lock of soft hair behind Abby's ear.

Abby frowned, swallowing a lump of anxiety as she wondered what Raven had lied about.

"About?" she whispered warily.

"I said I wasn't going to kiss you, but I lied."

Abby sucked in a breath as she looked at the beautiful face that looked so innocent but disguised a heart as fierce as the strongest Grounder they'd ever encountered.

"I don't think..."

"Good," Raven interrupted, unwilling to hear any protests knowing that most of them would involve her age. She shifted until she could comfortably lean over a woman that had proven to be far more layered than Raven had ever expected. She loved complicated.

She placed a hand on Abby's face, relieved that while doubt was clear in her expression, she made no move to reject the advance.

"I do care about you Raven," Abby admitted honestly, though that didn't even begin to cover her feelings."

Raven saw the truth in Abby's eyes and she felt a happiness she hadn't felt in far too long.

"You bring me peace Abby," she said seriously, before placing a lingering kiss on the corner of Abby's mouth, right where those creases were hiding. "And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to give that to you, if you'll let me."

"I'm not sure if I can," Abby said honestly, trembling beneath the caress of soft fingers against her cheek. To her surprise, Raven just smiled in understanding.

"I know, but I'll be here, waiting until you can." Then, not wanting Abby to think anymore, she slowly lowered her head and pressed her lips to Abby's, sighing as all the broken pieces inside of her seemed to click back together.

It was a gentle kiss, not meant to seduce but to promise and as Abby accepted the tender touch, all the guilt, shame and regret that had been burning inside of her heart was being shoved aside by a sense of peace and an obnoxious young woman named Raven.

END


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